Doughnuts

doughnut |ˈdōˌnət| -- noun

A small fried cake of sweetened dough, typically in the shape of a ball or ring.

Ew. Dough fried in fat. Enough said.

Raisins

raisin |ˈrāzən|-- nounA partially dried grape.

Ok. I hate raisins. I hate their chewiness, their lack of nutritional value, their abhorrent appearance and the disproportionate amount of sugar they harbor in those disgusting little wrinkles. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE grapes. Nothing makes me happier than biting into a crisp, juicy, purple grape; a fruit that good 'ole Zeus, the king of the Gods, wouldn't even scoff at, and the guy had access to ambrosia.

Now, that being said, can someone please explain to me why one would take said "crisp, juicy, purple grape, fit-for-the-gods" and DRY IT OUT to turn it into a withered, sugar-filled fossil of a fruit?????? Sure, this technique was great for people in 100 B.C. who didn't have the luxury of modern irrigation or--gasp!--refrigeration and therefore had to find ways to stockpile and store their harvest for long periods of time to avoid STARVATION. But common people, since then Jesus sacrificed himself for our sins and voila -- cue modern technology -- a brand new mini fridge goes for as low as $50 and, hell, on Craig's List you can get one for $0.20 cents. And furthermore, let's be real, just because the "Jesus sandal" is back in style, none of us are in any apparent danger of starvation. I think it's safe to say more than half of us could benefit in the waist area if our food spoiled just a little bit faster.

So if famine is no longer a threat, why in God's name are we still eating raisins? Must be because they taste good, right? WRONG. The raisin is a culinary abomination. How can something that has so much sugar in it taste so crappy? Everyone likes sugar. Sugar is like crack-cocaine -- you can never get enough. The average American consumes an astounding 3-5 pounds of sugar per week. I am an average American and all that sugar concealed within a raisin's repugnant skin can't even get me to like it which means raisins really must suck. Case in point: Ever met a crack addict that didn't like the taste of crack? I think not.

Raisins are also aesthetically unappealing to me. A raisin is essentially a 3 week old grape that fossilizes in the sun. Wouldn't you rather eat something fresh off the vine that is maybe 2 or 3 days old (taking into account transport from vine to grocery and grocery to fridge) than something that is now 3 weeks old and has been sitting in the sun its entire life? The wrinkles alone should be deterrent enough. In relative terms, liking raisins is like saying you'd prefer Donatella Versace over Jessica Biel. If you have to think about this even for a second -- congratulations -- in addition to liking shitty raisins, you're also probably a necrophiliac.

Aside from their unappealing flavor and appearance, raisins also waste my time. Take trail mix for example; why the hell does nearly every bag of trail mix contain raisins? I'm not talking about just a few sprinkled in with some cashews and almonds; THE NUTS ARE ALWAYS SWIMMING IN GOD DAMN RAISINS. Instead of calling something that is nearly a homogeneous blend of raisins "trail mix", it should be called "A Bunch 'O Raisins With a Few Almonds Mixed In". It takes me half an hour to pick out all the raisins before I can uninhibitedly shovel handfuls of trail mix into my mouth. Where is the fun in delayed gratification? And don't even get me started on the implications my raisin "mining" has on breakfast. For a girl that loves breakfast muffins--bran in particular--the widely practiced [and accepted] bran muffin recipe makes eating them a total time suck. Why? Because bran muffins are raisin mine fields. By the time I gingerly pick through an entire muffin it's almost lunch time, I'm still starving and over half of the once grapefruit-sized muffin is now a collection of crumbs either in my lap or on the floor. "Hey raisins, way to ruin the most important meal of the day." In what must be a cruel joke of biblical proportions, a food that was initially created in an effort to prevent starvation is now the main cause of it.

To sum it up, grapes should only ever be altered from their original state to make wine. Why make a shitty raisin if you can make Syrah? Please pass the vino.

NOTE: I may hate raisins BUT, being a woman with an open mind, I can tolerate Ocean Spray's Craisins and am willing to forgive their judgmental lapse in chosen nomenclature and the resulting (unavoidable) association with the aforementioned abomination on a case by case basis. Ergo, my solution to the raisin trail mix epidemic: Trader Joe's Happy Trekking trail mix.

Animal Crackers

animal crackers -- noun

A popular children's snack, in which the sweet crackers are shaped like zoo animals.

"Sweet" my a$$. Eating an animal cracker is roughly the equivalent of eating a piece of cardboard. I don't care if it's shaped like a polar bear, it still tastes like crap. It's not like M&Ms where you pick out your favorite color and (somehow) your brain convinces you that the blue M&M tastes better than the brown. With animal crackers, the polar bear tastes just as sh*tty as the donkey.

And what the hell are they thinking when they pick the species of animal shapes to feature in Nabisco's "Barnum's Animal Crackers"? Have you ever seen a sheep in the circus, or a koala for that matter? Stick with the circus showbiz theme of animal incarceration and abuse. Interestingly enough, PETA hasn't made any arson attempts (to date) on a Nabisco factory which means it considers Nalgene and Paris Hilton to be greater threats to the animal kingdom. Call me crazy but this reeks of a PETA conspiracy to curtail carnivorous activity in young children. Picture this:

[Upon eating an animal cracker in the shape of a cow]

As you lift the cracker to your mouth you see the little bovine creature and your eyes send signals to your brain that you are eating something that looks like a cow. As you begin to chew, your taste bud receptors signal to the cranial nerves that you are eating a disgusting cracker and they, in turn, carry that crappy taste up to the brain. The brain then associates consuming "cow" products with the taste of crap thereby reducing children's natural proclivity to eat meat. Case closed. Bravo, PETA, bravo.

Oh, and to the marketing geniuses at Nabisco: Your asinine claim that your "crackers" are a "Good source of calcium" can only be explained by the fact that people associate "calcium" with things that are white (e.g. milk, cheese, etc) and you can make that claim because your crackers are made primarily out of chalk. Please pass the Jules Destrooper Almond Thins.