Thursday, November 4, 2010

Pancakes


pancake |ˈpanˌkāk| -- noun

A thin, flat cake of batter, usually fried and turned in a pan. Pancakes are usually eaten with syrup or rolled up with a filling.

People ask me all the time how I could possibly hate something as "wonderful" and "American" as a stack of buttermilk pancakes. Let me break it down for all you flapjack lovers: Pancakes are disgusting. They are so disgusting and bland that you have to douse them in sugary, maple tree sewage to make them appealing enough to consume. Again, as I've pointed out before, I am an average American, and like most average Americans I LOVE sugar. But all that liquid sugar really does is turn a hot-stack into a hot mess. I don't see the point of eating something if, in order to make it edible, you have to turn it into a soggy cesspool of liquid saccharin waste. Frankly, the idea of pancakes wouldn't be nearly as repulsive to me if people weren't shellacking them with Diabetes-inducing amounts of maple syrup. Syrup makes an already unhealthy simple carbohydrate exponentially more detrimental to your health. For all you math-letes out there, I'll illustrate the grave danger pancakes represent to humanity based on one simple fact: Pancakes taste like cardboard, thereby necessitating the use of sugary additives like syrup, whipped cream and chocolate in order to make them edible:

Pancakes can give you Diabetes: Pancakes = Diabetes
Diabetes can kill you: Diabetes = Death
Therefore, by the transitive property: PANCAKES = DEATH.

Without getting too dramatic, I think it is safe to say that pancakes are the devil's food. Lucifer took one look at our fat, lazy, modern civilization, fueled by processed and fast foods, and realized the whole forbidden fruit thing he pulled with Eve wasn't exactly going to cut it. If he was going to get us to disobey God, and willingly kill ourselves while doing it, he was going to have to tempt us with something that would appeal to our rapacious appetite for foods with zero nutritional value (e.g. simple carbohydrates doused in a kiloton of liquid sugar). If you need actual evidence that pancakes are the devil's food and will eventually bring forth the fall of mankind please click the following links --> Pancakes are a threat to national security AND Pancakes cause small scale domestic violence. Without delving too much into biblical mumbo jumbo let it suffice to say that God does not want you to eat pancakes. Satan wants you to eat pancakes, get Diabetes and die so that you can join him in the 9th circle of Hell with the rest of the traitors.

To take it a step further, what Dante fails to mention about the innermost circle of Hell -- primarily reserved for Traitors and Betrayers (cue Judas and my good man Cain) -- is that the frozen lake Cocytus is actually a frozen river made entirely out of syrup. Victims find themselves submerged in an icy syrup hell with good 'ole Lucifer chillin' in the middle flippin' flapjacks. No joke. What do all you people think IHOP stands for anyways? (I)n (H)ell (O)nly (P)ancakes. Ever noticed how the employees there always look like the undead? And what about the fact that they are "conveniently" open 24 hours a day? If the Church/Mosque/Temple/Your Body is the house of God, then IHOP is the Infernal Hell Of Pancakes and the house of Satan. I repeat: God does not want you to eat pancakes. You will die and go to hell and it will look a lot like IHOP.

Bottom line is: Pancakes suck. Adding syrup to them doesn't make them suck any less, it makes them suck astronomically more. And to all you a-holes trying to "convert" me with preposterous accoutrements like powdered sugar and chocolate chips and whipped cream and unicorn dust: Stop trying to give me adult-onset Type 2 Diabetes, you sick freaks.

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